As the lockdown become imminent, the talk of isolation, not being able to see friends and family, only going out for shopping and not going to work, suddenly took me back to a deep dark place that I once existed.  As a nation we are being told what we can and can’t do to keep us safe, yet the one place I should have been safe, I wasn’t.

I had always lived in a house with my parents so living in a block of flats was all new to me.  you could virtually hear every noise going, the lift doors opening and shutting, people walking across the corridor, the people who lived in the flat below us and above us.  After listening to all those different sounds around me, I never really took into consideration the noises other people could hear from the flat I live in with my abuser.

The knock on my front door made my stomach churn and made me feel physically sick.  As I opened the door the person standing their had a huge smile on her face.  I looked at her and burst into tears.  I walked into the living room where my parents were sitting as the social worker followed me in.

When I first met him he was just wow so smooth and charming, he didn’t give too much away but just enough to make me feel as though I needed to know more.

His smile was the one thing that really drawn me into him.  He was cheeky, charming and convincing.  When he looked at me, he made me feel as though his eyes were only for looking at me.

When you are a victim of domestic abuse you very quickly learn how to keep yourself safe.

“That is just not normal, no way is that possible.”

Looking back, I was so lucky in the fact that I came from a loving home, I was the youngest an the only daughter, I had a wonderful and strong relationship with my parents.

Existing in an abusive relationship you lose so much time.  Things pass you by, there are events you can’t attend, you miss out on making memories and significant occasions no longer exist.

Days become blurry and most of the time you don’t know what day of the week it is, you’re just lucky that today isn’t the day you die.  However, living with an abuser you eye is always on the clock, for example, you know when your abuser wants their tea on the table or the time you need to be back home before them, you learn these things along the way because they can help keep you safe.

The eggshells crack loudly beneath my feet even though I try so hard to dodge them.  The goalposts that are surrounding me are constantly moved and no matter how hard I try, everything I do is wrong, even when it’s right.

Stay safe, stay home is a key message being pushed forward right now, but what about those people who don’t want to stay at home because it isn’t safe?

1 in 4 women and  1 in 6 men will experience domestic abuse at some point during their lifetime and with thanks to the coronavirus we will see a spike in domestic abuse incidents.

The strength came from my 10-month-old daughter when I left my abusive relationship.  I left for her safety, if I hadn’t have had her, I would have stayed.

Leaving really wasn’t an easy thing to do.